This year, my reactions to everything have been based on trauma responses. Something happened the first night in my new apartment that set an uncomfortable precedent moving forward. I couldn’t deal, and I reacted accordingly. Then I got my heart broken, although I don’t understand why — I’m good with singleness. I don’t need anyone. That’s a trauma response, though.
Wanting to do everything yourself and thinking you can do everything yourself? Trauma responses.
I’m recovering in my own way, comfort zone excluded.
1. Clean slate — for myself
I fell into some debt — car insurance. Late fees on bills. Typical first-time renting-type shizz.
Some things I did to create a clean slate:
- Inbox Zero
- unsubscribed from everything, then went back and subscribed
- blog-related emails moved out of my personal email account
- created a new personal email account, but because my phone is Android…ugh, transferring everything over is going to take a while & I’m not rushing
- quit holding onto affiliate programs I was never active in
- deleted my NetGalley account
- made a list of what my life would look like if I were living it fully — right now
- made a list of things I need to lower stress, heal from my trauma and actually live my best life
- contacted previous manager, apologized for not notifying anyone and asked for help getting my job at Walmart back
- got a better job at another location
- decided to turn my apartment dining room into a living room and the designated living room into a personal dance studio, but then decided to just save that $$$$ for my second apartment
- dating myself & going after what I want
2. Defining myself as a dissociative identity system
In two weeks, I learned the following about my DID system:
- Our ultimate desire/goal is to integrate, not perpetual functional multiplicity. Dissociative identity disorder is miserable AF, and none of us want it.
- Alters differ distinctly. Still, we don’t want to live as a system forever. This is controversial, because many DID systems do not seek to integrate, but rather to continue living different lives within one body.
- I have integrated before by dealing with just a smidge of trauma healing, and…it’s wonderful. It’s what I want, what we want. ‘Tis the goal.
3. Removed toxicity
- girl boss culture
- diet culture
- toxic positivity
- toxic negativity
- literally ANYTHING unsupportive of who/what I’m working towards
4. I decided to change my surname to Lively instead of Darling.
It’s pronounced with a hard I like the one in LIVE, but I also love the pronunciation of the soft i, like in LIVED — so I will be using both, for different contexts and rhythms.
Darling was starting to feel a bit patronizing. It’s also more of our DID system name and not something we want to commemorate.
There is also needing to use the middle initial to differentiate between myself and the Czech star.
I just don’t like it. I’m allowed to change it.
Lively is my favorite surname, next to Lawrence.
Changed blog domain again
It’s not short, but that’s okay. JaneLively.co is where I’ll blog from now until I change my mind yet again.
- I’ve been considering what I’m building here.
- Recent interest in local background actress roles make me want to establish myself as my name, not beneath a blog name.
- I actually do miss modeling, so…what if I instead exploited myself? What if I modeled myself? Influencers call this self-portraiture.
It’s ✨sparkly✨, if you hover just right.
I added some work history, even though it’s unrelated to my online goings-on. It’ll give people something to click on after I change my legal name, since everyone Googles everyone these days.
How mournful ’tis that they’ll not see it under my current legal name, for it’s so darling and beautiful!
I keep considering removing jane.fyi as a static site completely and redirecting it here, but alas…there is power in being able to point people to a static site with your information on it instead of always pointing them directly to the blog.
You get to focus their attention on you, specifically, and not your posts.
I also considered using it as a domain name instead, but…I don’t want to.
‘Til next time.